Madly Ever After

So from a very subjective point of view my lack of trust has failed multiple relationships and nearly cost me my best friend.

What I’d failed to realise is that I didn’t trust myself to trust them. Also that I needed them to reenforce myself. 

I was afraid of their responses and retreated into myself.

I wasn’t even prepared to trust my therapist until I realised it was me at fault and that I could trust myself to engage.

Our mammal brains are inherently built to be afraid. Flight, fight, fawn, reproductive urge, etc. Our fears are instinctual and without allowing the conscious mind to accept this then these responses dominate our lives. 

This is language that relates to me and I’m not suggesting it fits everyone.

I’m a failure in trust in myself, and I don’t mean this to diminish myself. If I trusted myself enough to explain my feelings without worrying about others reactions I’d not need to write this.

This is also nuanced because I don’t want to condone uncaring and unfeeling reactions. 

Sometimes trusting comes back to kick you but that is not a reason to give up on trust. 

Everyone I know has trusted someone who’s hurt them, by people they’ve trusted deeply.  I’m guilty as charged and have caused emotional hurt to others and at one time physical hurt, I’m not proud of this, and it’s been part of the shame that has been holding me back. 

Every so often I go back and read the Greek myths especially the Orestia, a cycle of violence and revenge. There’s nothing to be gained through fear only loss. 

Fear is only the lack of trust to trust others. 

Shame is what others put on you for being you and becomes fear of just being you. 

You can care for others without fear and without anxiety, you just have to trust them to live their lives. You can be sympathetic but not empathic. Empathy when used correctly has its benefits but you cannot live by empathising as it’s just mirroring your feelings onto another which builds frustration and causes what you believe to be trust to become a false mirror of your own fears.

I am a failure in trust and have only just started to realise this. 

But now I’m learning to trust myself, give myself permission to be myself and not what others want me to be. Trusting myself allows me to trust others.