Madly Ever After

The last few weeks have been so fucking hard to deal with.It seems like every time I male progress in my life something comes along to kick it back down to the floor. The last week extra so.

My best friend and the person I love most in the whole world has committed herself to psychiatric hospital as she’s now concerned about suicidal triggers. There’s a bigger story but I cannot explain here.

Another really close friend has had a huge fight with her boyfriend and has been talking suicide and now won’t respond.

And to cap it all in the same week a work friend was assaulted by someone we both work with. She doesn’t want to bring it up formally so now I have to work with someone who has used force and gaslighted a friend knowing they’re getting away with it. I can’t report it as she’s specifically said no to this.

So today I shutdown. I’ve been running on autonomics since last night and am gradually regaining conscious control and regulation. Maybe tomorrow (Littlest Hobo) I’ll have enough energy to go outside and maybe talk to people.

This isn’t depression, it’s totally and utter depletion of emotional energy, the spoons theory I’ve no spoons left even for me. Just writing this is a drain on my resources but it needs to be written.

So a full day dissociation feels like numbness, no active conscious thoughts other than feed the cat, go to the loo, eat a bit, and not think.

I’ve only spoken to my work friend, I feel lost and afraid of doing anything.