Madly Ever After

Having been dysregulated for several days I’ve finally managed to clear up part of my flat. It wasn’t that my executive abilities took over but more that instinct took over and cleared up the cat food and leftovers to the bin. 30c heat set off my smell instinct.

I know why I’m massively dysregulated, my fears and worries for my friends have taken over my nervous system.

I can barely eat or think. To write this is a massive effort There’s a little voice in my head saying ‘cut yourself’ which I’m putting huge effort into ignoring as it won’t help. Although having one sensation to focus on rather than feeling everything is appealing that’s not the way forward, 13 years since I last harmed and I have that daemon in it’s box.

it’s the heat and a combination of events that has gotten to me so badly.

Basically I’m no use to anyone in this state and that makes me depressed which is a self fulfilling loop of anxiety and depression which makes my executive function fail even further.

Dismemberment Plan: Timb Bomb (flashbacks and memories and how they live in your soul waiting to take you down)

Well, I
I am a time bomb, and I
I lay forgotten at the bottom of your heart
I’m fine
Ticking away the hours til’ I blow your world apart

I, I am a poison, and I
I am still coursing through your bloodstream like a ghost
Like wine
Gathering vintage til’ the day I hurt the most
I
I am a landmine, and I
I lay on the soil burned out by battles you thought you’d won
I’ve got time
To wait for the footsteps of a memory that’s on the run
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Well, I
I am a tarpit, and I
I swell like a living thing, oh, at the slightest touch, a black grime
Swallowing everything in a cold and timeless clutch
I
I am a trip wire, and I
I’m stretching across the road you’re barreling down tonight
The thinnest twine
Waiting to be released right beyond your sight
I, I am a fault line, and I
I’m pulling apart the ground that lay beyond your newest scene, so fine
Moving in inches now, a’crawling, a’cutting, a’cleaving
Like a knife

Well, I
I am a time bomb, and I
I only live in that one moment in which you die
And it’s not right
It’s not what I wanted then
But you know and I know there’s no going back
I, I am a lost soul, and I
I send out a sickened light up for anyone to see
A cry for help
Yeah, a warning to stay away
A burning, a blinding, a bleaching, a death mask white
Yeah