Madly Ever After

So for the first time in ages I’ve been ideating, I hate this feeling.

Ended up in a situation where I can see no way out of and feel trapped and alone and lost. Everything is a trigger and I can’t cope. I need to leave the position I’m in at work but have a financial support situation I cannot risk. I love my job,

My mind has gone into a loop where I can’t talk to people because it feels like emotional manipulation. This reinforces the depression and the thought that everyone would be better if I’m not here.

Eating becomes a problem as my stomach rejects food and my body image collapses. I hate existing right now.

Cognitively I know this is a problem with my emotional processing. The desire to feel nothing is incredibly strong though.

This isn’t a suicide note. I’ll still be alive tomorrow and the next day etc

It’s an explanation, in the best words I can muster at this point, of how this cycle can get out of control. I’ve landed on a snake in life’s game of Snakes and Ladders.

Writing all this down has allowed me to start resetting my internal boundaries and I need to set some firmer external ones especially at work.

Thanks for listening world 🙂