Madly Ever After

I haven’t written in here for a while. Things have been up and down and my psychology has been in a mess.

Life is a game of snakes and ladders, you plof along hopping to hit a ladder but end up on a snake all to often.

The corollary to the title is that heart without its roots cannot bloom. I feel that my hearts roots have been dug up at the moment.

Work issues have pushed me to the brink and I’m upset and frustrated at the mind image I have of my best friend. The problem with codependency is that I latch onto people and feel feel that are always there to be a help and when that breaks down the mind image I have of them lashes out and wants to hate them.

I know this isn’t them. It’s my mind trying to protect itself from feeling and processing the emotions behind this.

It’s truely fucking painful to have my mind telling me to hate and reject someone just because they don’t match my mind model of them. It also prevents me from re engaging in proper communication because my mind model projects them as being angry and upset at me.

Without deflecting from my own behaviour, I’m strung out by work and can’t get time to recharge and I do use my friends to recharge the limited bandwidth and energy I have. I have been given a warning for talking to people, which I can only assume is because I see when people are upset and take them for a walk.

It seems that the world is against me and I can’t communicate properly with anyone because of my own internal fears.

Hell isn’t other people Nietzsche! Hell is ourselves and our projections onto others.