Madly Ever After

I have been down for quite a while but today my therapist has really helped. She’s helped me get out of my negative thought patterns, at least for a while, and I’ve fe;t a lot of self-love for the first time in ages.

When I was a teen I had a Wolverine tee-shirt which said ‘I can’t stop fighting myself’ and it’s taken a long time to realise what that meant to me. I didn’t have the emotional awareness to express what it meant other than the words.

As my therapist has a background in autism she’s suggested I get a full assessment, I know I have autistic traits and can score really high in the tests but have never been clinically assessed. A psychiatrist has strongly suggested I’m autistic in the past but didn’t suggest a full clinical assessment.

It would explain my inability to express emotions other than in blurted out statements which I then shutdown from. Which would then explain why I’m afraid to express emotions because I’m afraid of the responses from them. Why I close down from relationships and can’t reach out to people.Probably not helped by being brought up in an unloving strict catholic environment where I wasn’t allowed to have friends and had to raise my youngest sister.

I’m not a bad person because I have emotional connection problems I just internalise the damage my inability to communicate feelings and then can’t communicate back.

I am a good person and everything I do is through love and the need to protect. That it has caused emotional hurt to people is my fault but I have to live with this and the knowledge that my emotional processing system is so very different to others is a help in me finding peace with that.

I dunno why I’ve written this but maybe it’ll help someone going through the same.